“Can I have a turn when you are done please?”
Doesn’t sound magical?
But it bring about amazing results in the middle of typical childhood squabbles.
Sharing and turn taking are things we value as adults, but they are extremely vague concept for kids. Most of the time, kids really only understand how they work when it comes to making sure they get their turns! Through their developmental lens, many preschoolers adhere to the philosophy that “What’s your is mine and what’s mine is mine.” This is why “He’s not sharing!” or “She took my toy!” is such a frequent complaint at preschools and play dates.
Often, our response is to force sharing (Or at least the appearance of sharing!). We set timers or pry something from their clenched little fists, in an effort to restore order. However, this approach robs kids of critical problem solving practice and opportunities to develop their own social skills. We may value peace and order as adults, but kids need a manageable amount of conflict and chaos to give them meaningful social skill practice.
When we coach a child through the process of asking, “Can I have a turn when you’re done please?” we communicate several key points that ease the process for both the kids involved.,
1. I want a turn. This empowers the child who is asking. It helps the child to know it’s OK to communicate your needs and wants to others, and that you can and should do that clearly and politely.
2. You get to finish. The magic ingredient in this phrase is “when you’re done”. It communicates to the child in possession of the object that no one is trying to take it away or force them to “share”. It lets them feel a sense of control, which almost always has the result of softening the child’s knuckled grip.
Without these three extra words, children only hear that they are losing something– that someone is taking something away from them. With those three words, consideration is given to the child with the object. Instead of losing an object, they are gaining an element of control.
What about when the child doesn’t hand it over so quickly?
Sometimes you can coach children through this phrase and simply follow up with, “So Rohit, when you’re done, give the toy to Priya and make sure she gets the next turn, OK?” . The two will seamlessly make the switch-a-roo on their own moments later.
Sometimes you coach them through the dialogue and the child in possession says, “I’ll never be done!”
There are a few things you could do here, depending on the situation and the temperaments of the kids involved. You can keep things light and simply say, “Well, there are so many fun things to do here, I doubt you’ll want to play with that F O R E V E R! So when you decide you’re done, just make sure you give it to Priya so that she can be next.”
For other kids you might need to say, “Well, I know some kids like to use timers to decide when their turns are over. Do you two want to try that? Rohit, how much more time do you think you need?” If the two agree on a reasonable number, great! Help the children set a timer, and give it to one of them, so that they can be in charge.
Kids do need to learn how to effectively communicate verbally in order to move away from communicating behaviorally. But in order to use their words, they have to have the words. We have to be intentional in teaching our children the social scripts they need to navigate the social tides of life. By teaching kids a few simple phrases, they quickly recognize them as you coach them through regular opportunities for problem solving, and soon they feel comfortable enough with them to use them independently.